Dear Diary
by The Unintended Muse
Summary: Jasper has done something bad, and decides to share it with his... diary. Warning: Pure silliness and bitchyness!
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Dear Diary  
**Warnings**: Silliness, OOCness, meaningless non-sense and... some weird sort of slash xD And, uh - a LOT of bitchyness! Woohoo!  
**Rated**: For the language. But it's not like he's writing down his erotic fantasies in his journal... I hope! xD  
**Summary**: Jasper has done something bad, and decides to share it with his diary.

**A/N**: So, this was a crazy idea that just hit me one night. I HAD to write it! Anyways, it's a three-parter with really short chapters, and I don't expect it to be taken serious :b - I mean, it's Jasper writing in his diary! It ISN'T serious! xD  
Anyway, it's only written for my own fun, and I just hope someone out there share my crazy sense of humor! xD If not... well, I'll probably enjoy the flaming comments, won't I? xD

_A special thanks_ to Jaqqi (Or SoOutOfControl) for beta-reading and supporting my idea! (Partly xD I knew you were scared of Jasper, but let's face it: we're ALL scared of him!) I'll dedicate this to whoever also likes a bitch!Jasper with an out-there way to get rid of his rage! :D

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Dear diary… _Today I made Emmett think that Edward's hot!_

It wasn't like I didn't know it was a bad thing. Hell, I could _feel_ how bad it was! But watching the expression on Edward's face when he read Emmet's thoughts – well, that just about made my day.

Alright, so I'm a bad person? Allow me to have a little fun! It's my 79th birthday, okay? I'm starting to feel old here! Anyhow, it was Alice who made me write that stupid list. How could I know that I wanted to see my two brothers go gay for each other? It'd just been a joke, for god's sake! And someday, of course, I'll tell them that I did it… maybe in the next century or something. Sure, at the next millennium, I'll tell. I'll make it a new year-thousand-resolution-thingy. Alice will love it!

Of course, there is a big chance that one of them – or maybe their girlfriends – will kill me before that… but I'm quite sure that their expression single-handily will make it worth it. 'Sides, unless the both of them go against me, I'll surely be able to escape them. And Alice will cover my back and foresee the attack. I hope. If not, I really am screwed. Emmett is so much stronger than me – he could break me like a twig.

The only person I'm really worried about is Bella – her mood swings are killing us. Why, again, are human supposed to be that difficult? HE LOVES YOU, god-dammit, now stop being such a drama queen! Geesh, I wonder if she's that bad when I'm not around. I mean, when I'm there to control her emotions, at least she stops bitching everybody. I feel sorry for Edward. Truth to be, he and Emmett would probably have a much healthier relationship – although it _would_ be kind of gross, but once they were over the whole incest-thing (which will probably take a few decades) I'm sure they'd begin to really like it. I'm not saying Edward doesn't deserve Bella… just that he could do so much better than her. I mean, I don't even get _how_ they fell in love from the beginning! It's not like she's pretty or anything. And she's constantly seeking for approval with that fake clumsiness and insecurity. How can he _not_ find that as annoying as other non-retarded people does? I mean, we're vampires, but just because we're mythical creatures, it doesn't mean we should just go around and fall for every other loser we meet on our way.

Wow, if Edward _ever_ reads this, he'll kill me! Unless he's already read my thoughts about her – I'm sure he has. It's really a pity that he can't read her thoughts. I'm sure that if he could just feel her emotions – that horrible way she fake her need for him whenever he's around – he'd dump her right away and send her back to that father of hers. Which would be kind of sad for him really, because he's actually a nice guy. If I should be honest, I know that everybody – including Alice _and _Emmett (as if I'd ever tell Rose about this!!) – thinks that Charlie is way hotter than his daughter. I wonder how Alice can stand being best friends with her. Maybe it's just some sort of instincts she's got.

My Alice is wonderful! I actually wrote a poem for her the other day. Of course Edward had to ruin it by reading my thoughts and copying it. Now Bella thinks that her already too-amazing boyfriend is a member of the Secret Poet's society (haha, get the Dead Poets' Society reference? No… Oh well) as well. Could it_ be_ more awful, or is it just me over-dramatizing everything again? Last times I checked, brothers stole each other's girls, not the poems they wrote for them. Does he really want her to know that he's gay?

Uh, once again I have to remember that _I _am the one making him gay, of course. I'm actually giggling now. I love being evil. And Edward really deserves it. Plainly, Emmett could just do better than Rose. How could he ever fall for a blonde girl? I mean, how cliché-ish does he want it to get? Should she wear a pink princess-dress before he finally realized how much she looks like Barbie?! The JockXBarbie-thing is so last decade.

I don't get why they're always picking on Alice. I mean, _my_ girlfriend never cheated on me, did she? Rose have been with plenty vampires – most recently with those Volturi-morons who, of course, found her just as attractive as everybody else – and I don't even wanna get started on Bella and that dog's relationship. I wonder sometimes if Edward has to walk in on them having sex before he can face the truth. I repeat myself now: If he could read her thoughts, it'd all be oh-so-clear to him. But that idiotic fool is way too in love to ever realize it.

Maybe that was why I tampered with his and Emmett's feelings. I'd much rather see my two brothers together than with those sluts they've picked up. If I didn't know better, I would've bet that they have histories as pole-dancers. I mean, who _really_ knows what Bella was doing in Phoenix? I'm beginning to get suspicious. She always avoids our questions – even when we smile!

Hello, didn't she think we were absolutely adorable and mesmerizing, or did I totally misunderstand something? Well, maybe I did. Uh, Alice's feelings horny, gotta go.

Jazz


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews, guys! Glad someone likes my stuff! :D And just for the ones who didn't get it: This is NOT because I just want to have an excuse for dissing Bella (although it would be a good one :b) but because I think it's fuuun to write about Jasper bitching out! Mkay? xD Jasper's bitchyness is supposed to make you laugh, not hate me. But feel free to do so if you dislike me that much Oo Anyways, just wanted to make sure that everyone got it. Enjoy! :D

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Dear Diary… _Today Emmett stared at Edward's ass!_

I swear, I merely affected his emotions this time! He actually glanced at Edward's ass for _minutes_ while his _brother (_May I just point out that this time, I wasn't the psycho-freak who made him do this… entirely?) was kissing his _girl_friend. Uh, I think someone's choosing the queer path, and I think that a certain blonde will definitely _not_ approve this! But come on… they can still be friends, right? Seriously, no one says this has to be ugly! But of course, knowing Rose, this is going to be worse than a massacre. Yes, people, there will be lost blood. But I'm not sure who's gonna lose it this time. I'm thinking eating-frenzy? When she and Emmett hadn't had sex in two weeks she went on one of those – _man,_ Carlisle was mad!

Mentioning Carlisle, I noticed that _he_ noticed the way our dear queen Emmett looked at Eddie today. And I really, really, really _don't _think that he liked what he saw. But, hey, if we get rid of Rosalie, I think that he'll be able to live his way through the gayness, right? We can always get them a private house or something!

Yes, my dear, non-living friend – it is time for alternative solutions! Since I've now made it clear that Alice and I are definitely conspiring to kick Rosalie out, I don't have to be that friendly anymore! YAY FOR ME!

But, of course, I'll have to keep my thoughts friendly whenever a certain mind-reading pretty-boy is around, because I don't want the news to spread… for now, at least.

Anyways, Alice and I started working on our list yesterday, taking an innocent walk in the forest… oh, who am I kidding? We were having sex, of course! In the forest!! Can you believe how crazy she went? When we got together, she swore she'd never leave the bed! But I finally got her convinced – well, after telling that Edward and Bella had done it in the ocean. I love the way she always tries to compete with the mortal bitch. How can she even compare herself to something with that many flaws? Have I said this before? My Alice is wonderful! She always smiles, and she's always happy! And, man, does she know how to suck a dick properly! I've heard that miss clumsy isn't that experienced at those points. Poor Ed. I'm sure that even Emmett would be better in bed than her, even if he had to be with a guy.

I'm even suspecting him for having had a secret affair with that blonde Volturi-dude. Did anyone hear how he reacted when he found out he'd wanted Edward and Bella? I think someone was jealous! But, of course, it isn't exactly news that Emmett's got a thing for blonde's – I just wish he'd be more picky sometimes.

Rosalie actually told Alice that she looked fat today! Can you believe that?! Pff! Talking about denial! I'm sure that Rosalie's just overeating because she wants to look pregnant. You know, normal women just stuff a pillow or something underneath their shirt. Or steal a baby. But noooh, no, no, no! Rosalie has to get fat and go accusing other women for being so! She really is a nutcase, I swear.

I even saw her eat chocolate the other day! How low are you allowed to sink?! Human food?! Not even _I _ate human food when I was at my lowest point! She's so pathetic, it makes me wanna fuck Emmett myself just to get over with it. Of course, I can't allow myself to think like that. Alice is my everything, no doubts there, ever! I mean, with a girl like her, how can I even look at other people? It'd be like living in a dream and trying to wake yourself up to have a nightmare!

Speaking of Alice, I think I'd better stop for now. She's wearing that purple thing again – and yes, I mean the one with the laces! She even bought handcuffs that matched! Now, isn't that cute? Uh oh, she's trying to cuff me! Later!

Jazz


End file.
